Currently browsing Being a mom

I know I’m getting better and better all the time.  And I know I’m for SURE better than I used to be.  My spiritual practices are paying off and allowing me to pay it forward.

With the kids being home from school during the summer we have a way different schedule.  My husband has been working super ealy morning shifts so that we can have our evenings together as a family.  (Before he would get home after the kids were in bed. )  So his getting up at 3 am to be at work for 5 is making things interesting for sure.  The kids stay up late and still get up early and so emotions can run high sometimes.

Here’s the cool part – I’m calm!!  Yes, I get frazzled but it’s not as blow-my-lid frazzled as I used to get.  I’m 99 % more calm than frazzled.

Before, I would just let others’ energy affect me pretty much instantly.  I would take a bite out of their problem and feel whatever they were feeling – even though it wasn’t my stuff.  Now I can leave others’ stuff alone and feel what I want to feel instead of being sucked in.

This afternoon my daughter had a spectacular melt down over an activity book that she’s been working on.  I was pleasantly observing my interaciton with her and noticing how different my response was compared to when I used to just go straight into emotional reaction.

I’ve become very aware of my own emotional state in every moment. It’s very liberating and exciting for me.  I’m especially excited that I can now model how to respond instead of reacting for the kids.  Emotions are great – don’t get me wrong.  But in many situations a calm response is so much more effective than a freak out.

Perfection…seems like such a…well…perfect thing to strive for, doesn’t it?  So many of us have gotten caught up in wanting to reach it and have felt inadequate and far away even when we try really hard.

And moms tend to be the best at trying hard – and falling down even harder.  Perfection makes us feel like we’re not good enough and like we will never be as happy as we could be.  Because that green, harmonious, and perfect family life is always on the other side of the perfect fence.

Perfectionism can also cause us to procrastinate.  Truly, how can you ever finish something if you’re waiting for it to be absolutely perfect?  It’s really a no-win situation – especially when we hear our children one day say “I’m not good enough” or “I can’t get it perfect.”

Guess what, perfection is a learned attitude and parents are their kids’ greatest teachers.  So what can parents do to ensure kids don’t learn this self defeating attitude?

One way is to focus on excelllence.  Yes. Simple excellence. 

In fact, how do you feel about settling for excellence instead?  Settling for anything can make you feeli uncomfortable, but excellence is a way better choice to settle for than perfection.  For example, take a look at any survey with a scale of experience…1 being poor and 5 (or 10) being excellent.  It never says perfect. 

When you label yourself as a perfectionist you have a great excuse for not starting a project or not finishing one.  Ask yourself how is this label serving you and supporting what you want to accomplish in your life.  Sell your perfectionism and purchase excellence and you’ll be amazed at how different the world will be.

AND, you can feel good about what you’re teaching your kids too.  You and your children will be a lot happier understanding that perfection is a fleeting state and puts you under a lot of pressure.  Excellence can be easily attained and is just as good.

You and I and all human beings see the world through our own unique lens – kind of like looking through a windshield. As kids we’re born with a clean windshield and it gets smudged and cluttered up by what we learn as we grow and mature.

As a kid you experience and are told things about the world and you learn based everything that happens to you. Your conscious mind processes only a fraction of the total information that your senses are exposed to. The rest is filtered by your subconscious mind according to what it’s been conditioned to focus on – all the “stuff” on your windshield. What you focus on influences your results in life.

If you’ve ever seen a movie with your best friend or your spouse and you loved it but they didn’t, you what I mean. Two people can experience the same event in very different ways because of their windshield and what they focus on. Two people can also come from a very similar background and upbringing, have the same opportunities come their way and one will succeed and the other will struggle.

When everything in your life is working for you this means your windshield is allowing you to focus on what you want. But if you’re struggling, feeling stressed about miscommunication with your spouse or your boss, feeling like you don’t have enough meaningful connection with your children, or fighting with your health and fitness, it means your windshield is dirty. You’re focusing on what’s not working and on all the ways you try to change and it’s still not working.

To permanently change your circumstances easily, you need to start with cleaning your mental windshield. This will allow you to focus on new ways of approaching your problem and give you a fresh perspective on how you can achieve what you want. The reason for this is simple. The information that is allowed to pass through your filters influences your view of your world, your emotional state, your physiology. These three in turn make up your behaviour and lead to your results.

For example, studies have shown that negative people may perceive excitement as anger. Positive people would perceive excitement as just that: a happy and energetic state of being. Consider how differently you would behave if you perceived an excited person to be angry versus if you perceived them to be happy.

It doesn’t mean one perception is right and one is wrong, it just means that when you change your perceptions you change your experience of the world. Remember that as a parent, you’re largely responsible for your what’s on your children’s windshields because they model your behaviour. They learn your habits, your struggles, and your triumphs.

 What do you want them to model after you?

 Here are 3 questions that will assist you in cleaning your own windshield. First, consider the areas of your life where you’re not experiencing the results you want. Second, ask yourself these questions and write out your answers.

1. What perceptions of the world do you have that are sabotaging your success in this area?
2. What negative beliefs do you have about what you can and can’t do? About what’s possible or impossible? Write out your top 10.
3. How will your life change if you believe simply that you are in the process of accomplishing anything you want?

Imagine this scenario: you are out of town on a business trip and you receive a frantic call from your spouse who is having a medical emergency which incapacitates her for a whole day.  You have no one else to care for your 4 month old infant and no way to get home fast enough.  Who do you call for help? Who do you trust enough to give your child a caring and trusting environment while you make your way home as quickly as possible?

Do you have a friend you could count on? Would you be the type of friend who would help if called upon unexpectedly with this scenario even though you had other commitments that day, like work? If you would lose a day’s pay and you knew next to nothing about taking care of a baby…would you help your friend?

Dr Wayne Dyer says that the purpose of any human life is to give it away, because that’s all you can do with it.  This means in service to others – not to give it up and die.  We all come from one source and so we are all connected, no matter what you call that source. So when you’re helping others you are helping yourself. Whatever energy you put out into the universe is what comes back to you.

We all know people who give generously of themselves and who are tremendously happy because of it.  People like this don’t look for the “what’s in it for me?” They just do good things for others because it’s the natural thing to do.

 The scenario I described above happened to a good friend. He dropped everything to help his friends who had no one else to turn to.  I am grateful to have many people in my life who live this way.  They stand up for what they believe in, they work smart for what they want, and they give of themselves entirely.  I learn from them and they inspire me to be better than I used to be. 

 It’s important for me to raise children who are givers and trustworthy.  The best way to do that is to be a giver myself.  The important thing to note is that giving must be done from the heart and without depleting ourselves.  We can’t give from what we don’t have.  The good thing is that there are so many ways to give to others – even if it’s a smile or a kind word. 

 What are some of your family’s favourite ways to give back?

My kids aren’t usually the snuggly type – sometimes I have to steal hugs.  Actually, I think they play a game with me because they make it pretty easy for me to catch them and hug them to pieces.   They’ve always been active and squirmy kids even as babies and I’m not sure what the snuggle factor depends on. 

I make it a point to hug them as often as I can during the day and say “I love you” to them.  And I LOVE it when they do it back to me – sometimes I will feel two little arms around me out of the blue and my heart just melts!

My son told me once that they were talking about hugs in class at school and that everyone needs to get 10 hugs during the day.  He gives them to me all at once when he remembers.  I wonder if there is an expert opinion on the required or recommended number of hugs and snuggles for kids? And for mommies and daddies?

How do much do your kids hug? Does it depend on the age? And I would love to know your ideas on how to increase the snuggle factor from kids?