Well, are you?  Let’s start with…what do you think most people are like.  As you think of most people, what are some words or phrases that you would use to describe them?

These words and phrases that came to your mind, are they positive or negative? 

That says a lot about you – and not in a “good or bad” sense.  It can give you clues to how you can become better than you used to be.  How you can be different than most people.  And most importantly, how you can teach your children to be themselves rather than be like most people. 

We view the world through our own windshield and that windshield has on it all our experiences, decisions, beliefs, emotions – all the things we believe are true in our life.  These things are true for us but it doesn’t mean they are true for anyone else. 

So how we view most people reflects what most people mirror back to us.  So when we notice that others are angry all the time – this tells us something about ourselves such as perhaps we’re pretty angry too or we’re denying our own anger.  For example, when I was recently asked this question my responses were

1. Most people don’t love themselves enough
2. Most people don’t believe in their own potential enough
3. Most people don’t take action enough

I do the work I do because I want all parents and their kids to believe they are enough and to take action that brings out their best self and allows them to shine in their life.  So when I came face to face with my responses about what I think I see in most people I turned inward and asked myself – do I think these things because those are the things that I notice about myself? It’s definitely something to chew on. 

The journey of my work and my life has been a lesson in knowing myself and owning what I feel and live.  And I say it’s a journey because I haven’t arrived anywhere yet (and I don’t mean death).  I know what the place I want to arrive at is like: the feelings, thoughts, and external circumstances of being there – but I’m not there yet.  And I realize that most people aren’t at their arrival point either.  We’re all on a journey whether we realize it or not and if we don’t know where we want to get to, we may never arrive.  And this goes beyond just goals - I’m talking about the whole experience of the goals and everything else that I want in my life.  Because we can achieve a goal and still not feel like we’ve arrived.

In order for me to not be like most people I want to work on some things in my self.  And when I know that I can think of most people and say they are:

• more loving
• more kind
• judging less
• giving more
• achieving more
• know what they want
• leading by example more
• swearing less
• taking more time for themselves
• enjoying their food and their life more 

then I will know I have arrived.

So ask yourself, are you like most people?  What does that say about you? I’d love to read your comments.

My ideal Mothers Day a few years ago was to get away from my kids and just be alone!  I wanted to spend a day just taking care ofmy needs and wants.  I didn’t want to care about anyone else’s lunch or dinner, about dirty hands or bums, or about the endless to do list at home. 

And I have the most wonderful husband who would gladly spend the day with the kids while I did the “alone thing.”  The dumbest thing was that the whole time that I tried focusing on myself my thoughts would return to the kids and to him.

I felt indescribable guilt because after all, shouldn’t a mom want to be with her children all the time?

I felt guilty for feeling guilty because shouldn’t a mom be grateful for some self care time and be able to focus on relaxing so she can go home rejuvinated and joyful?

I felt guilty and worried about what my husband was thinking and feeling as he took care of the kids all day – after all, he worked full time and had stress at work.

And I couldn’t relax because of all this guilt and worry!  At the end of the day I would come home no more rejuvinated than if I’d spent the day in labour.

Yes, the guilt of a mother is all consuming. Once it begins it festers and encroaches on her every thought and action.  So what can moms do about it? Do we just continue to feel it even though we know it’s toxic and serves no purpose whatsoever?

I think a large part of this guilt comes from moms thinking that they just aren’t good moms and don’t deserve to feel joyful – especially when they are taking care of themselves.  Why do some moms think they’re not good enough moms?

Because:

• …when they’re with their kids they find it hard to be present with their kids and think about their to do list.
• …when they’re doing the stuff on their to do list they think they should be spending time with their kids
• …they were taught to feel this way
• …they think they should feel this way because they don’t measure up to whatever “ideal mom” they compare themselves to
• …they think they’re not good enough human beings, period.

So how do we combat this guilt?  I can speak only about what I’ve experienced worked for me and for the clients I’ve helped heal. 

1. It’s important to clear out our past baggage – the negative emotions and whatever else we’ve picked up over the years that we carry in our concrete backpack on our backs.  This emotional and mental clearing really makes you feel happy and gives you clarity – you are more objective and you can cut yourself some slack.  You realize that you’re doing the best you can with what you know.
2. Set aside time each day to be mindfully present with your children – even if it’s a short time.  During this time only focus on them and nothing else.  Denise Rai calls this Momfulness.
3. Set aside time each day to be mindfully present with yourself – even if it’s a short time.  Think of nothing else but your own self care - whatever that means to you. 

Even just taking these three simple steps will help you love yourself and your children more.  When we only have love in our hearts it’s impossible to feel guilt.  I love my Mothers Days with my kids now – no more guilt and no more worry!  I’ve been able to create that balance that I always longed for.

It seems counterintuitive that to eliminate mom guilt the mom needs to do more for herself – but that old cliche is so true: “When mama’s not happy, no body’s happy.”

Parents are busy people.  We tend to run from responsibility to responsibility day after day.  We do this for different reasons: because we think we should, because we love it, because we think it’s good for the kids, because we have to, or because we want to. 

Out of all the daily responsibilities, how many are only for you? As a parent doing things for your family is important but do you sometimes feel stressed or resentful because you don’t often do anything for yourself?  You may think that if you had more time, money, a housekeeper, a chef, a better body, etc, your life would be so much easier and then you would take that time for yourself. 

This type of thinking creates a self imposed trap for us because the truth is, even if your circumstances miraculously changed this instant, chances are you wouldn’t feel any different about yourself.  You would not know how to deal with the sudden change.  This is often why people who win the lotto end up blowing all the money, going broke and dissatisfied again.   We often can get caught up in thinking that it’s the big trips, cars, or houses that will make us happy inside.  Yes, they will certainly give us a different life experience, but to truly experience deep happiness and joy we don’t need those things. 

Happiness, meaning, and satisfaction with our life come from a deep sense of self love and knowing.  Not a selfish type of love but a love that inspires us to bring our best selves to everything.  And a sure-fire way to feel that is to take care of ourselves and our own needs – just as much as we take care of others, maybe even more. 

There is no one type of self care fits all routine.  Every parent has their own way of knowing that they love and honour their own being.  This could be as simple as exercising 20 mintues every day, spending an hour quality time with the kids, drinking four cups of water, taking a bath, or reading for 15 minutes a day.  Only you know what activity is meaningful and special to you – not because someone tells you it’s good for you or because you feel you should do it. 

Of course if you had all the money and time in the world some things would be easier.  But these daily self love and self care activities would likely not change much because the desire to do them comes from within.  Take 3 minutes right now to jot down 12 things you know you want to do every day that will make you feel good and will bring out your best self.

The good news?  You can do many of those things on your list now! Without winning the lottery!  You can begin creating a different life experience every day and with simple things that you love.  In fact, by doing these things for yourself you will be teaching your kids that their wellbeing is important and by taking care of themselves they will be able to better take care of others.

The Daily Dozen list is a great exercise to do with the kids (once they’re old enough to understand this) because it will teach them to honour their own needs.  Simply pick a time and give each member of your family a piece of paper and write out 12 things that you all want to do for yourselves every day.  Your kids may have different ideas than you do about what makes them happy and it’s important that they be allowed to practice their own self care daily activities (within safe boundaries, of course).  Remember this is not a judgment or good/bad idea type exercise.  Put this somewhere where you will remember to look at it and start implementing it.  And notice how differently you feel and how differently you show up for everything else you do in your busy life.

My kids are both in karate and one of the things they practice is board breaking.  There are several different colors of boards – from white to black – each indicating a higher level of difficulty.  White being the easiest to break and black the hardest.  The kids have to kick the board to break it in half.   Each board is made of plastic and hinged in a way to simulate a wooden board 12″ square board.

Kasia breaking a board at NLP training.

The kids all line up and one by one they attempt to break the boards.  They key is in how they set up their approach and where they focus their energy – strength has actually very little to do with what color of board you can break.

Our kids used to just run up and give the board a random kick, usually without successfully breaking it.  They’ve now learned to take their time and set up their stance, focus, and energy before they kick to make sure their foot lands where it is supposed to.  They also have to envision their foot going through the board – not just stop on the board.  More often than not, they succeed in breaking consistently more difficult boards. 

I’ve broken a wooden board at trainings before and the same principles hold true – focus, energy, follow through.

There is a lot we can learn from this simple board breaking exercise – as kids and as parents.  Breaking a board can be like accomplishing any number of things in our life.  Sometimes we can get caught up in just wanting to get stuff done and we hurry through it without much thought.  The task or goal may get accomplished or it may turn out completely differently than we want.

When we take the time to figure out exactly what we want our outcome to be and focus our energy, the resources and guidance tend to show up and we succeed.  Our subconscious mind gets on board and helps us notice all the ways in which we are achieving our goal.  This is called activating the Reticular Activating System.  If we rush through things without knowing what we want then we will miss the mark or end up with results we didn’t want.

Slowing down and focusing to gain clarity about what we want allows us to achieve faster.  This is a life skill that we can apply everywhere.

Don’t think of a frog prince!
 
Oops!
 
You did, didn’t you?
 
It’s ok, you’re not alone.  There are many parents who tend to think about the stuff they don’t want more than the stuff they
want.  And this is what their kids end up learning to think too – and they all get more of what they don’t want. 
 
I’m sure you’re wondering why that is… simply put it’s because your unconscious (aka the subconscious) mind doesn’t process
negatives. 
 
Wha??? 
 
That’s right.  The subconscious is very literal and has no judgment on the instructions you give it.  So, it follows orders literally
and doesn’t understand what NOT is. 
 
For example, a bunch of insurance companies back in the 1990s did a study of hotels and found that 90% of all slip and fall accidents happen in front of the yellow cones that are placed wherever the floor is slippery.  The cones state “Don’t Slip” and have a picture of a stick figure falling on his/her behind.  So not only are these cones telling you what not to do in words, they are giving you a picture to focus on too!  As you’re walking by, the picture in your subconscious is “slip” and before you can focus on something different (ie, not slipping) you tend fulfill that original picture.
 
So what does this mean for you and the kids learning from you?  You gotta say it how you want it!
 
Do you find yourself always saying or thinking “I don’t want to be so tired!” or “I don’t want to yell all the time?” etc?
 
What your unconscious mind is focusing on is “I want to be so tired” and “I want to yell all the time” and, since it follows
directions literally, it focuses your behaviours, efforts, and attention on being tired or yelling. 
 
This is why all the gurus say it’s important to think positive or say it how you want it.  I can already hear you saying it “Oh
great! More positive thinking! That stuff doesn’t work!”
 
Yes, it does, actually.  But if you have a ton of negative emotions and other gunk in your subconscious you need to clear that out first before you will find it easy to think about what you want.   Think of it like cleaning out a garage of all the junk before you can park your new car in there.  You can do it all at once if you want, or you can do it a little at a time.  The point is to start so that eventually you will be able to park that new car there – aka think differently than you are now.
 
Once you do the clean up it’s easier to focus on what you want and to keep your language clean saying what you do want:
 
“I am vibrant and awake.”

“I am communicating clearly and meaningfully.”
 
So when you want to teach your kids to get what they want out of life, make sure you’re using the cleanest and most positive
language with everything they do.  Make sure the words you say are putting pictures in their heads of what they want instead of what they don’t want. 
 
Instead of “don’t spill the milk” say “keep all the milk in the cup,” or instead of “don’t run because you’ll fall” say “make sure you stay up on your feet.”  This will teach your kids to use language that’s positive too.  (Of course accidents may still happen, but less often.)
 
This goes for you, the parent, too.  The next time you set a goal and find yourself not achieving it because you keep focusing on all the ways in which you are not achieving it, switch to focusing on all the ways in which you are achieving it.  This is what’s going to get you the results you want in your life and your kids lives.