Parents have tantrums too. I recently found myself in an argument with my daughter – except that it was more like a tantrum. And I was the one having the tantrum! Oddly enough, as I was being so impatient with her I found myself thinking “What am I doing? Aren’t I the adult?”

Emotions can be like that – we just feel them as if by instinct and don’t even realize it until we’re in the throes of an argument. I’ve cultivated self awareness for many years and I was grateful that I realized what I was feeling. I felt that my daughter wasn’t focused enough and not doing things fast enough because I had things to do. The question for me was what was the cause of these strong emotions?

I used a Parts Integration process that I often use with clients to uncover the cause of this angry part of myself that was being triggered by these situations with my daughter. I discovered that my emotions had really nothing to do with her and everything to do with my own boundaries. Actually the lack of them.

We all have boundaries in our life to keep us organized and functioning. As I build my practice I realized that I didn’t have a clear boundary defining client time and family time. As much as my clients and my business are very important to me – so are my children. In fact, my children are the most important to me but I wasn’t setting up my time in a way that allowed me to spend quality time with them.

The universe’s frying pan strikes again! I had been told by my business coach and other sources that I need to structure my business to work for me. I could have made more balanced work hours and then I would not have had this meltdown with my daughter. Instead, I had structured my business to monopolize me and this caused me to freak out at my kids when it seemed like their needs took up too much work time. I am definitely not proud of this.

The great things with boundaries is that they can be re-evaluated and changed at any time. I was able to uncover the root cause of my emotions and take action to create more balance in my life. It felt great to prioritize my children and I was grateful for the universe’s frying pan. I’m also committed to noticing clues that my boundaries are out of alignment before I need to be smacked by the frying pan again.

Have you ever thought to yourself or said to your child “you should know better!”

You’re not the only one and it’s easy to assume that our kids should know better because we spend so much time teaching them to know.  But as adults we have the benefit of a rational and logical, mature brain.  They don’t.

We repeat to our kids the things we want them to do, how we want them to behave, and yet they keep either misbehaving or doing something completely opposite to what we want.  We think they should know better – we even tell them they should know better, but why don’t they?

Part of the human brain comes pre-wired with instinctual responses such as the fight or flight response.  This part makes sure we remain safe and protected at all times.  These instinctual responses cannot be unplugged or eliminated in any way.  On the other hand, all beliefs, behaviours, attitudes, and emotional reactions are learned from the information that comes in through our senses.   This information originates from all the people and events that we experience in our life.

The human brain also has a second part that forms our logical and reasoning.  This part doesn’t actually start to mature until we are in our mid teens.  So as kids, we process all information through the lens of instinctual protection that’s hard wired into us.

So we expect children to know better but their brain doesn’t really work that way.

Scientists say that it takes an adult 21-28 days to form a new habit (that is if willpower doesn’t derail us first).  Adults have their rational brain matured and still have trouble learning to do things the new way.  How can we expect a child to know better?

Children learn mainly by modeling what we do and not by listening to what we say.  So if we speak to them about doing something one way, and yet our own behaviour is completely different, the child will be very confused and will most likely follow what we do – not what we say.

For example, if a mom tells the child not to speak a certain way about others and then gossips on the phone to her friend, the child will learn to do as the mother does, not as she says.

Of course children also must find their own place in the world and will misbehave and push our boundaries as a natural part of their growth and development.  But they are more apt to turn out as responsible, ethical and authentic adults if we don’t just assume they know better and be good role models.

As a parent you have to examine your own behaviour in an honest way if you’re having difficulty with your child. Remember, you are the source of it.

“A year from now you may wish you had started today.” ~Karen Lamb

I just love this quote and wanted to share it with you all.  So often we get caught up in worrying about how long something will take us before we finish it – that we don’t even start. 

I was speaking to a woman once who was almost 40 and worked in an industry she didn’t love anymore.  She had always wanted to go into nursing, but every time she had wanted to sign up for nursing courses she would follow that exact train of thought: “It will be 4 years before I’m done nursing school, by then I will be 30 years old and….(insert reason for not doing it here)”

She told me she had talked herself out of nursing school 3 times now and in hindsight, regretted it.  Because when she would soon reach the age of 40 and she realized that those 4 years of school would have been nothing compared to still working in an industry she didn’t love.  And now at 40 it would be so much harder to go back to school…wouldn’t it?  And the inner critic drones on and on.

It’s funny how we don’t question that our children have to go to school for so many years.  We encourage them and we cheer them on to try different things and learn new things but as soon as we’re a certain age we decide that we’re too old to learn.  There is no rule anywhere that says “By age ___ you’re too OLD to try new things.”

This quote by Karen Lamb reminds me that I’m never too old to start anything and that regret is a high price to pay for procrastination and reasons for not starting something. 

So what if we change careers fifteen times in our life? 

So what if we change cars every year or rearrange the furniture every month? 

So what if we move around the world every few years to start over?

As long as our soul is living it’s purpose and we’re adding value to our own life and the life of others – especially our children – then we will never regret what we do.

What’s the most common answer to any question? I’ll give you a hint – it’s 3 words.

(ok, I’ll give you the answer: it’s “I don’t know.”)

Have you ever said these 3 words to yourself in frustration?

Have your partner or kids ever said these words to you?

Is this the answer you automatically think of when a challenging question comes up?

What’s the result of this in your life?

Have you ever found yourself seeking answers in your life and the answers just didn’t come to you? Those three words – I Don’t Know – create a self fulfilling prophecy for us if we use them repeatedly.

How?

Researchers have found that our Unconscious Mind is the age of a 5-7 year old child. For those of you who know 5-7 year olds – they are very literal and need clear instructions to follow. They don’t understand sarcasm or oxymorons.

This is exactly how your Unconscious Mind is too. So when you repeatedly tell yourself “I don’t know” you’re telling your Unconscious Mind not to know – to not even bother trying to know. So it stops helping you figure out answers. It stops supporting you in the decisions you make – you get stuck in “I don’t knowness.”

Jack Canfield, one of the Chicken Soup For The Soul authors says you always have to know what you want - even the simplest stuff like what color of soap to buy. Why? It’s not to be nitpicky and petty. It’s to practice with small choices so that when it comes to making big choices you can do it more easily and with conviction. When you always know what you want you avoid the “I don’t know” curse more easily.

My clients tend to use “I don’t know” as their default answer when we first begin working together – I do ask some pretty tough questions. I ask these questions because my job is to assist clients in figuring out what’s holding them back. If all I get is “I don’t know” then I ask “If you did know, what would the answer be?”

If they still repeatedly say “I don’t know” I give them The Talk. Saying I don’t know is a cop out! It is! The reason you’re in the circumstances you’re in – whether it’s your health, family issues, relationship or love life issues, or whatever you don’t like right now – is because you’ve told yourself You Don’t Know! You haven’t put any energy into knowing or wanting to know because it’s easier just to Not Know. I get that. But don’t you get so frustrated when you ask your kids something and they say “I don’t know?” Or when your partner says “I don’t know” when you ask them what they want to do/eat/or do whatever?

Why is it important to stop using I Don’t Know as a default in your life?

Saying “I Don’t Know” is an easy answer but if you want a better life for yourself and your kids then who do you think has to know what that life looks/feels/sounds like if not you?

Do you expect there to be a “I Know All” genie who will appear and tell you what to do? What to feel?

I wish!

And if your kids hear you use these three words all the time – they will use them too. They will learn to not know what they want too.

So how do you break this curse?

You will not always know the answer – this isn’t about being omniscient. It’s ok to not know some things – it matters how you approach not knowing.

1. You forgive yourself for not knowing up until now.
2. Change your language and your thoughts to “I haven’t known up until now, and if I were to figure this out, I would…..” insert new way of being that you want to be.

You will be amazed over time how your mind and the universe just step up to the plate to support you and guide you.

Sometimes I find with kids it’s “cool” to just be aloof and pretent they don’t know. Don’t let them get away with it. It’s self respect to know what you want. Always. Because if you don’t know what you want you will fall for anything that anyone else wants. We don’t want that for our kids.

So gently guide yourself and your kids to make choices – always. Ask – I know you don’t know but if you did, what would your answer be? This may be annoying at first – especially to your kids, – but they will be grateful that they always had the choice to make up their mind on stuff. And it will serve them well in life to have this skill.

So I’ve come out of the closet that I’m a spiritual mom.  I embrace the fact that I can feel energy and I work with Angels and I do remote healings with people.  I have this sense of calm about things and I can stay cool as a cucumber in most situations – KEY word – MOST.

When do I not stay calm?  When I’m battling for turf with yeast and ego!

Let me explain…

My husband and I are both battling Candida – no, it’s not anything related to candy.  It’s not nearly as much fun as candy.  In fact, it has turned my life upside down!  Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually.

Candida is a yeast that normally lives in human beings.  If you have ever had antibiotics, surgery, pregnancy, or any other experience that unbalanced the microflora in your gut in any way, and didn’t replenish the good microflora sufficiently- the Candida can rapidly overtake your system and wreak havoc!  This havoc can include poor memory, weight loss or gain, adrenal issues including thyroid, low libido, emotional ups/downs, intolerance to foods or smells, and the list goes on and on and on!

This is where Bryan and I found ourselves a while ago.  I’m glad it didn’t affect our kids.  I got a book on this issue and we’ve changed our whole diet to kill off this yeast naturally and replenish the good microflora.  Sounds simple, right?  It isn’t!

The new way of eating is fine.  We’re eating whole grains like quinoa and amaranth (so yummy!) and lots of vegetables.  We’ve cut out wheat and sugar – thank God for Stevia!  I just wasn’t prepared for the way this Candida yeast would fight back!

Our doctor, who is an MD and Natural Dr and Intuitive all in one person (cool, I know!), said that after 3-4 weeks of the physical detox occurs the emotional detox.  Emotions live in our body and as toxins and the dead Candida cells are released, so are the stored up emotions. 

Well, let me tell you, this emotional detox has been worse for me than any of the physical stuff.  I thought the PMS was bad before I discovered I had this condition – this feels SO much worse!

The saving grace for me is that I have developed calmness through my spiritual practices and I am very aware of how I feel.  For the most part I stay out of everyone’s way lately.  It’s just better for everyone.  I didn’t realize how emotionally draining it would be to go through this cleanse process and I started thinking there was truly something even more wrong with me…until I read about how our ego fights back when we’re on a spiritual journey.

The ego feels threatened because when we’re living from spirit and inspiration, we don’t need ego anymore.  We make decisions from the heart and not from the head.  So we feel great and calm and happy until the ego realizes that it’s being edged out and no longer needed – of course it’s going to fight!  Double whammy in my case! 

So as I’m starving the Candida in my physical body by not feeding it sugar or wheat anymore, I’m also apparently starving my ego by leading a more and more spiritual existence.  It’s interesting that they both had to fight back at the same time.  Seems I’m purging the physical and emotional stuff all in one shot.  I’m just grateful that this doesn’t last forever and I just have to stay focused on what I want – my health and calmness back. 

It’s on the horizon.